Boo-ya

HAPPY DANCE!!!

Perhaps ovulation was just delayed a bit from all the BS that happened 1-2 weeks ago because I just got a positive home ovulation test today! It was my last one of the pack too!

I was so bumming for the last week because I thought the Clomid had failed me this round, but no, it's still doing its job. Just running a little behind schedule, about 6-8 days. Aaaand, my temps started to increase, just a little, but more "normal" than they were. So maybe there is hope for round 4 after all...as long as I'm reading the damn thing right and it's not a false positive.

You know what happens next (no need to go into detail) and then the 2 week wait.

4th Quarter Game Plan

BTW, haven't ovulated yet and my BBT's have been lower than normal for the past 8 days. Yes, lower than my normal pre-ovulation temps from the last 2 cycles. I don't know what the hell is up with that. WHAT UP WITH THAT? My googling has found me two results: 1) that I haven't ovulated yet (no shit) and 2) I could have a thyroid disorder. Well #2 is probably not accurate. I've been tested before for thyroid problems and always came back normal. That also wouldn't explain why my temps have been normal up until just 8 days ago. Oh yeah, there's a #3 too, that my thermometer is retarded. Well, perhaps I'll go waste another $7-$10 on a 2nd basal thermometer only to find out that it wasn't the thermometer.

Can you tell I'm only SLIGHTLY frustrated?

I've sort of started to come up with a short-term plan for all of this hoo-ha.
1) call my OBGYN to schedule an appointment with her (yes, an actual sit-down appointment, no more of this over-the-phone business) to discuss this mess and what my options are after the 6th round of Clomid and to also ask about Metformin/Glucophage even though I'm not insulin resistant nor pre-diabetic.
2) wait until the end of the year to see if I've ovulated then call for a blood pregnancy test so I can get on provera (UGH, that stuff is the devil!)
3) come up with some sort of financing plan in case we need further treatment or need to see a reproductive endocrinologist
4) decide how long we want to wait before seeing a specialist
5) look for some sort of support group

I'm starting to come to grips with that the fact that I'm relatively young (25) and that if I need to take some time off (6 months-1year) to figure out my game plan then that's ok. As we have witnessed in the past, it is not entirely impossible for me to get pregnant without the aid of drugs or procedures, but it sure is a hell of a lot harder.

I need a vacation. NOT of the christmas variety.

Rolling Stones

I think my O'ing might be a little off this cycle. It's day 20 today, all of my OPK's have been negative thus far (well, I haven't tested yet today). Day 15 sort of indicated ovulation but had a negative OPK that day and I don't have any of the normal post-O symptoms that I normally have. I did have a bout with kidney stones, got put on an antibiotic, and came down with a nasty cold (AGAIN) less than a week ago so maybe one of those things messed up my cycle a little bit. I had been O'ing around day 17-19.

Just hope something happens this cycle. We can't lose a round of Clomid at this stage in the game. Also hoping that I don't become afflicted with anything right before ovulation next cycle. My body's timing is just fantastic, don't you think? When I'm not on drugs, my period is never regular and when I am on drugs, my body decides to take on the task of kidney stones or seasonal sickness.

The last couple of posts have been sort of negative, no? I need to get out of this blogging funk that I'm in and write something positive and humorous.

Oh well, better get back to work. Just had to take a break and write this blog because my morning is dragging!

He's a she-he, She's a he-she

Yeah so I watched a show on the Discovery Health Channel this weekend called "Transgendered and Pregnant". I won't get into how weird the show was but I will give a little background. The "husband" is a female-to-male transgender and the "wife" is a male-to-female transgender. Both of them had been on hormone injections for a long time but both had their original anatomy. It was said that once a male takes female hormones for 6 months or longer, he becomes sterile. And similar for the female-to-male. But SOMEHOW, by the way of this wacky world, they ended up getting pregnant naturally. In fact, they were so surprised that the "husband" (former female) got pregnant, she didn't even find out until she was 28 weeks along.

Now a little tidbit of info on PCOS for you: part of the problem of PCOS is that your body produces too many androgens, which are male hormones, causing problems with ovulation, amongst many other things.

Riddle me this: How is it that these two transgenders, who've been on opposite hormones for years, somehow conceive naturally and have a totally "normal" pregnancy yet I'm sitting here relying on a synthetic drug to trick my brain into producing more estrogen so I'm able to ovulate? Not to mention, hopefully being able to carry a pregnancy to term!

Ay yay yay. Some things in life will never make sense to me.

4th Round Draft

...And so we begin Clomid round 4. Cycle 3 was the exact same length as cycle 2 but different ovulation day. I'm going to chalk it up to being sick for half of cycle 3. What was initially just laryngitis ended up being this mega-cold lasting over 2 weeks. Yikes! Ok so we have 3 more rounds of this sheeot. If nothing happens this round, I'm going to have a long conversation with my doc about what the next route will be after the 6th round. Not sure what we can afford. I mean, the Clomid is essentially doing its job, I AM ovulating on it.

So yeah, feeling a little down about it. I'll be fine in a day or two. Come on ovaries, let's end this year on a positive note!

I Will Not Be Defeated

It was only laryngitis. So I asked my doctor "I thought that's just when you lose your voice" and he replied that "it can be caused by many things including a virus, which is probably why you also feel sick." Ahhh. So I'm feeling much better today and should be O'ing sometime between today and the end of this weekend.

Sorry, I was being a little dramatic last post. But it really had me concerned. I'm still uber tired and my voice is hoarse, but starting to feel better everywhere else.

I'm past the contagious phase so maybe Justin won't mind being around me now. Haha. I make him sound like he's acting worse than he really is.

I'm Gonna Lysol the Crap Outta My House

O...M...G... I am so frustrated. No, not because I haven't got a positive OPK yet (hopefully should have one by the end of the weekend), but because I feel like I'm getting sick. I'm having similar symptoms to the last (and only) time I had bronchitis. In fact, I was sick in July right before my big OBGYN appointment. There's a blog about it. Timing is always a bitch. Man. Of course I couldn't be sick last week or next week. It had to be THIS week when I'm supposed to be ovulating. Well, I've been loading up on vitamins and lots of zinc so that hopefully my body can fight this off before it gets too bad or maybe just delay it for a few days.

And of course my husband has OCD and doesn't want to be around me whenever I get sick (even though when he gets sick, he suddenly becomes very needy).

My luck is awesome! Who turned off my light at the end of the tunnel?

Lame post about a book to tie you over until I'm done with this cycle

I just wanted to mention a book that is really helping me deal with the infertility BS. It's called "A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility" by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. My cousin Michelle loaned it to me quite a while ago, sometime last year when all of this was just starting to come to light. I read bits and pieces of it previously, mostly just the sections on miscarriage. I skipped the chapters on infertility because I was in denial. Now I'm reading it front to back because it's really a good support guide.

In other news, we're on day 14 of clomid round 3. If I'm gonna ovulate, it should be by the end of this week. Key word, SHOULD. My body never offers a guarantee. Keep your fingers crossed for good news around the end of this month!

Third Times a Charm? Wouldn't that be a hoot!

I was right (see last post). Thus begins Clomid round 3 same dosage as round 2. I start my 5 day pill series on Friday, I had my doctor call the prescription in today since I'm almost positive it will have to be special ordered again and so hopefully will be ready by Friday. I'm gonna give the pharmacy a call tomorrow though just to make sure everything's a-ok. I don't want any surprises on Friday when I pick it up. Weekends are not good time to have crap like that happen since doctor's offices and my pharmacy are both closed during the weekend. I think my pharmacy is closed anyway, guess I could check.

I am a little frightened that it feels like we only have 4 more chances to get this baby thing going. I mean, if I were to get pregnant, I could take Clomid again if necessary for subsequent pregnancies, but you're pretty much only allowed 6 rounds at a time. I don't know if we can afford much more than just prescriptions (the generic Clomid isn't too pricey) to help with the fertility.

Justin's mom asked him one day if we'd be ok if it turned out we couldn't have our own children. We talked about it and I'm sure we'd live on but it was sort of a reality check. Adoption is probably not an option since it's very expensive. If it was more accessible, we might have already pursued it.

Sometimes I get that stupid "why me?" thought in my head and it frustrates me. I need to stop thinking that. I've always thought I was in charge of my own destiny so I guess it's hard when something is out of my control.

Alright, alright. Enough poo-pooing around. No need to be a debbie downer. This journey ain't over yet.

If at first you don't succeed...

Took a home pregnancy test on Saturday (cycle day 29) and it was negative and I'm facing some pretty horrible cramps today so I'm guessing my visitor will show up today or tomorrow. That's about right, I calculated a 31 day cycle from when I ovulated and today is day 31.

I am so smart, S-M-R-T! (Simpsons reference).

Disappointed? Somewhat. But the outlook is now much better than before since we know the Clomid is working.

4 more rounds!

What Road Lies Ahead

My doctor's office called again today (my doctor's nurse, who is a different one that I usually speak with). Here's the deal, if I'm not pregnant this round, I can keep taking clomid at 100mg for 3-4 more cycles. I don't need to come in for any more progesterone tests unless the clomid doesn't work during a cycle for whatever reason. Goodbye $61, out-of-pocket blood test! I will just keep monitoring my basal body temperature and taking the OPKs.

If I'm still not pregnant after the 4 more cycles of clomid, I'm not sure what the next step is. I'm not sure if we can afford to do any different treatment after that since my insurance is sucky when it comes to infertility treatment.

I'm not sure how often I will be posting here (for a while) if I find I'm pregnant. Because of my miscarriage the first time, I'm very hesitant to tell anyone if I find out I'm pregnant. In fact, I have only a short list of people that I plan on letting know for the first 8-12 weeks. But hey, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just see how the next week or two goes first.

The Overachieving Ovaries

Lab results for round two are in (drumroll please)...

20.74, excellent! Sure as hell beats my 0.67 last cycle.

Nurse said I definitely ovulted this cycle. Anything above 5 means you probably ovulated, but when you're on medication (like Clomid), they want to see numbers above 10. Well, I showed them all! From what I tracked, I ovulated on cycle day 17 so the progesterone test was at 4 days past ovulation (dpo).

So, what's next? Well, I will either get my period in about a week or a positive home pregnancy test. We'll just have to wait and see. If I get my period, they'll probably keep my clomid dosage the same and we'll just try again. My main goal was to establish ovulation so I'm ecstatic about that.

Poked!

Had my blood progesterone test this morning. I won't get the results until Monday because my doctor is out today (as usual). I'll probably have to call them again, even though they always promise to call you. I'm optimistic about the results because signs point to that direction. My temperature chart looks promising, I had a positive OPK...aaaaaand my boobs hurt, which to me says influx of hormones...becaaaause when I do happen to get my period on my own (rare), my boobs start to hurt about 2 weeks prior (after ovulation). BUT, only time will tell.

I believe we're looking for levels of at least 5 whatever measuring unit they use. Come on 5, Stephy needs some good news!

Deuces Wild

Ahhhh, got another positive OPK today. For some reason, being the cynical, realist (not pessimist, I fancy myself quite optimistic actually) that I am, I still have a hard time believing it. I'm not getting excited until I get those blood test results. The higher your hopes, the bigger the disappointment.

Maybe 100mg of clomid was just enough to bribe my ovaries to work harder.

Could it be?

Well, we (I) may have had a positive ovulation pee stick today. The test line was thinner than the reference line, but it was definitely as dark as the reference line. That's what you're going for, for those of you who haven't had the joy of using these tests. They are not like a home pregnancy test where if you get two lines, it's positive. No, it can't be that easy. You have to analyze the lines and see if they match up. I wish I wasn't such a cheap skate, then I could spring for those fancy ovulation tests that show a smiley face if it's positive. That would be so much easier. I sure hope they don't show a frowny face if they're negative. Well, only time will tell if I'm smart enough to read an OPK. Friday is the blood progesterone test.

Send good vibes to the lab.

Patience wearing thin

Starting to lose faith in modern medicine. Come on ovulation! We only have until Friday before our progesterone test!

What we have here, is a failure, to communicate

Turns out Clomid only comes in 50mg pills and supposedly my doctor's nurse did indeed call in 10 pills of 50mg (so that I could take 2 per day). Those were her words anyway. Not sure where the miscommunication happened but I did indeed only receive 5 pills.

So the nurse is calling in another prescription, which will have to be special ordered since the pharmacy informed me they were fresh out of any more Clomid yesterday. Oh well, I have enough to get through today.

No side effects yet...just continued crankiness from before. Not sure what the deal with that is.

Happy thoughts!

Well, wouldn't you know...

So yeah...wrong dosage was called in. SURPRISE! Even though I said clearly on the phone, "please verify with Judy (my doctor's nurse) that Clomid will be 100mg this time per our previous discussion." I get to my pharmacy...
Side note: did I even mention how much I really do love my pharmacy? It's one of those smaller ones where the people know you by name (not sure if that is a good or bad thing). They're so damn friendly.

Anyhoo, I get my pharmacy, pay, get 3 steps out of the door and think to myself, I better check to make sure it's 100mg not 50. I look down and it's freaking 50mg, 5 tablets. So I walk back in, politely discuss this with the pharmacists, they show me the script and all my doctor, or rather her nurse, called in was "clomid, 5 tablets, day 3-7". She did not specify 100mg. Ugh. So I said I would handle it by calling them tomorrow and they said in the meantime it would be ok to take two of the 50mg tonight since I really need to start it today.

I understand that nurses and doctors are very busy people, but so am I. And I am NOT paying for a 2nd prescription. I will pay the difference (if there is one) between the 50mg and the 100mg but I'm not paying another 5 day, 50mg prescription. Granted, it's only $12.80 but that's $2.56 per pill. And I'm cheap.

If my life were peanut butter, it would be super chunky, not smooth and creamy.

Clomid part deux

Did I ever mention that the medroxyprogesterone makes me really bitchy? I try so hard to control it but man, it really makes me a cranky person. When I get my period on my own I just get emotional and my boobs hurt. The synthetic has quite a different effect on me.

Speaking of being bitchy, I'll be starting the 2nd round of Clomid today, this time at 100mg. That is, if the pharmacy has it in stock (or can find it somewhere else in town). I worry about that. I technically should be starting it today but last time they had to special order it. Not my fault, I got my P. on Saturday and of course my doctor's office is not open on the weekends so I had to wait until today (day 3) to call in. They won't prescribe it to me until I get my P. I had hardly any side effects at 50 mg (except for those damn hot flashes) but double the dose could mean, double the side-effects. We'll see.

Wish me luck.

Got a new kind of pill: a chill pill.

I finished my 7 day dose of medroxyprogesterone on Monday so just waiting for my monthly quarterly visitor to arrive so we can start the next round of Clomid. This time, bigger and better, at 100mg. We've been talking and if the 2nd round doesn't work, we may take a short hiatus from the Clomid. It's only a tentative plan, nothing written in stone. I had a mini-meltdown last week. Side note: the mini-meltdown really didn't have anything to do with the infertility bs. Since my mini-meltdown, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I was in a good place when I got pregnant the first time. I wasn't really expecting it and things were going well. It was before we were told we'd have to move out of our house, before (obviously) the miscarriage, before things in general started getting a little hectic. I'd really like to get there again before I get pregnant the next time. Not that I'm not in a good place now, I am, but there is so much going on lately (as a whole, not just the infertility) that I don't feel like I'm in the same place as last time.

So, since we're on track for the 2nd round of treatment soon, we're going to go ahead with it. However, if it doesn't pan out, we're going to take a step back and chill out. We're young and there's really no hurry right now. I'm mean, we're still going to do the Clomid therapy, but it just may not be every 6-7 weeks or however long a "round" lasts for me.

Come on ovaries, don't fail me now again!

I'll show you an explanation...

Yeah so, I received an EOB (explanation of benefits) from my health insurance company yesterday from my progesterone blood test. Any EOB I've received in the past for a blood test has shown that the patient owes $0 but this one showed I was responsible for $61. So I called the insurance company and the progesterone test was coded as an infertility test/procedure and therefore applies to my coverage for infertility which is pretty much next to none. I have a $500 yearly deductible that applies and, are you ready for this? A $500 maximum lifetime benefit for anything related to infertility! What a joke. Might as well not cover it at all. Oh, and I even verified with my company's HR department so there is no confusion here.

Soooo, let's HOPE that the clomid works at some point, because I don't think I can afford anything else. Hopefully the clomid works sooner than later so I don't have to keep paying $61 for each progesterone check.

Yowza.

The results are in...

A whopping negative! No ovulation this cycle. My levels were 0.67 which is normal for anything before ovulation but after ovulation they should be 5.0 - 15.0.

Disappointed? Yes. Surprised? No.

Nothing (basal temps, home ovulation tests) lead me to believe that I had ovulated yet so I didn't have high hopes for my lab results.

So now what? Well, apparently my doctor wasn't in today so she hasn't had a chance to review my results. Her nurse told me to wait a week past cycle day 28 (so about 2 weeks from today) then schedule a blood pregnancy test (standard procedure) and then I would go on Provera (progesterone) to induce a period. You take that pill for 7 days and from my past experiences, I get my period about 3 days after that last pill. Soooo, looks like I'll probably start my next round of Clomid around Sept. 24th give or take a few days. The nurse predicted that my doctor would probably want to increase my Clomid dosage to 100mg next round. Gee, I would hope so. I say, let's just up it to 200mg to see what happens, haha. I kid, I kid.

My hormones need a kick in the ass!

Not clear, nor blue, nor easy

Thank you very much Clear Blue Easy ovulation test stick for malfunctioning! I used up my 7 generic Target brand test sticks (all negative) so I stopped by wal-mart on my way home from work (hey, it's like two blocks from my house and I was in a hurry). I had to pee so bad that I wasn't thinking clearly and bought a name brand kit. I run home, pee on the stick...and nothing. Not even a reference line! $18!! I will try another one tonight (hopefully I can make myself pee again soon, I was holding that last one in all day) and I swear to whatever, if it malfunctions as well, I'm asking for a refund.

Hopefully this is the only dud in the box. I will NOT be a happy camper otherwise.

Can't I just get some litmus paper? Peeing on sticks seems like a chemistry experiment anyway.

I feel like I'm back in trigonometry with all these graphs

Yeah, I'm getting a little discouraged. Not to say nothing will happen, but today is cycle day 15 and my fifth day of using the ovulation predictor tests. All have been negative so far. I've also been temping for 5 days (even though I said I wasn't going to do that this time around). I saw a tiny little spike in it yesterday and it dropped again today. Nothing significant though. Supposedly, your temp is supposed to drop right before ovulation, then increase after that (more than .4 of a degree I guess). I didn't start temping until day 11. It probably doesn't work the same for everyone, and since I'm always just a little bit different, I'm sure I'll end up being an exception to the rule, haha. I guess at least if I don't get a positive ovulation test before my blood test on day 21, I'll know what to expect when my labs come back. Then they'll probably have to up my dosage which I'm sure will be a JOY. Some people ovulate later than others, maybe my day is yet to come.

Staying upbeat about this whole thing is exhausting.

Clomid Inferno

So I've experienced a couple of hot flashes. What is this, menopause? Seriously. Lucky for me, they've been brief. I had one at work today this afternoon and one while I as in my shorts curled up in a blanket on my couch. All of a sudden I just got really hot and uncomfortable and threw my blanket off disgruntledly (is that a word?). Well, the disgruntledliness might have been because I had just realized the damn DVR was not recording Project Runway like it was supposed to be.

Last night I bought an ovulation predictor kit. By the way, those freakin things are expensive so I went with the Target brand. 12 dollars and some cents for 7 tests. The name brand ones were 18 bucks and up. Sheesh! The man has got us down! I also picked up a thermometer tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to start using the OPK sticks and I might start using the thermometer if I remember in the morning. I couldn't find a basal thermometer so I bought what I thought would be a "good enough" one. I'm already 10 days into my cycle so I can't chart from the beginning this time around, but I might experiment with it. Hopefully the Clomid doesn't cause my OPK sticks to malfunction. I guess I won't know for sure until the blood test at the end of this month. BTW: I am soooo sick of having blood drawn. It really grosses me out the whole thing. I mean, I always handle it well, but in my head I'm barfing my guts out at the thought of it.

Clomid: The Egg Maker

Well, so far so good on the Clomid I guess. I took my last pill last night (day 7). I haven't really had many noticeable side effects yet. Sunday night I got a crappy night of sleep, kept waking up every other hour, was hot, and had some really bizarre dream that involved peeing on an egg (like chicken eggs from a carton). Then the word "yes" or "no" would magically appear on the egg. That's all I got from the dream. So I'm assuming it has something to do with taking a pregnancy test??? So weird.

But other than that, no real side effects. I have been rather sleepy lately but who knows what that is from. I sure could use a hot flash at work because it is FREEZING up here. My mood has been stable except for the occasional grumpiness, which I am allowed to have, as is everybody.

I decided that I wasn't going to temp (take your basal body temperature each morning) because it's a lot of work. I might try it next cycle if this cycle doesn't pan out. I was considering buying an OPK (ovulation predictor kit). My cousin informed me that it can often give out a false positive while on Clomid. I did some reading about that and most of what I read indicated to use the OPK no sooner than 3 days after your last Clomid pill because it can mess with your LH levels. So I might try that. I'm not sure how much they cost so if they're ungodly expensive then I might reconsider. Though, considering how much money I've WASTED on home pregnancy tests in the past, an OPK is probably not a bad investment.

Ain't no rest for the less fertile

Had a moment of worry yesterday. My doctor called in my prescription but the pharmacy didn't have it in stock. In fact, no pharmacy in town had it in stock because they said they called around. But this is why god invented express shipping, so that I could start my new meds on time. I just took my first pill tonight so we'll see how tomorrow goes. Everyone deals with medication side effects differently and I don't tend to have side effects with most medication but this is a whole new adventure.

I warned two of my co-workers/friends about the possible side effects so they promised that if "Chloe" (my clomid alter-ego) shows her gnarly face, that they would keep me in check.

I can't believe I'm on fertility medication. That is sooo weird to say. Some people have asked me if I'm going to turn into octo-mom. For the record...NO. That's not quite how it works. The fact that I have an 8-10% chance of having twins while on this medication freaks me out enough.

Buckle your seatbelts, we're going on the Clomid rollercoaster

I would normally never post a blog while at work but I'm pretty excited right now so I just need to! My doctor (or rather, my doctor's nurse) called me yesterday and left a couple of voicemails. I assumed that they were regarding my fasting glucose test results. Well I was out and about all day yesterday so I didn't get a chance to call back in time. The nurse called me at work this morning (as a male co-worker was talking to me at my desk, so I tried to be discreet) and informed me that my labs came back completely normal! No sign of insulin resistance! Sooo, no need for the Metformin, we're going to go ahead and start the Clomid treatments. Holy shit I'm so nervous about this.

Aaaand, my period started yesterday. Shortest cycle (8 weeks) in a loooong time. My boobs were super sore and I was awfully cranky/emotional last week so I figured it was coming. It's perfect timing really since I will start the clomid...well tomorrow I guess (day 3). The nurse asked me if I wanted to start Provera (which helps induce a period) and I said "no need, it just showed up yesterday" and she seemed very glad about that.

So, here's the deal. I will take Clomid (starting at 50mg) on day 3-7 of my cycle. Then I get to "do it" a bunch, and then I go in on day 21 of my cycle for progesterone testing to see if I'm actually ovulating. Then at the end of my cycle I will either have a period (or need Provera) or have a positive pregnancy test. After that, they will adjust my dosage if need be and we start over again. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I hope I do ovulate on the Clomid because that will be a good sign. Once again, I do ovulate on my own just not in a regular fashion. In fact, in a completely sporadic fashion.

I'm all kinds of emotions right now. So excited though that I'm not pre-diabetic. That was a huge concern of mine.

I've been to my OBGYN 3 times in the last week!

So, I met with my actual OBGYN yesterday. I checked in and sat in the waiting room and as I sat there, I saw another woman walk in and say to the receptionist, "I'm here to see Dr. Hess." Ugh! That's my doctor! I better get in first because I was totally on time. But as usual, they overschedule everybody, leaving the doctor with just enough time to say "what's your problem?" and "see you later." I did get back to the room quickly though and only had to wait a few minutes for Dr. Hess to arrive. Her personality is fairly straight-forward and sometimes that can be interpreted as cold, but I think that's just her and I'm starting to accept that.

We discussed the PCOS, symptoms, frequency (or lack thereof) of my periods, and treatment. First and foremost, she wanted to me come in and have a fasting glucose test or whatever the official name for it is. PCOS and diabetes can be related and PCOS can lead to insulin resistance which can then lead to type 2 (I think) diabetes if not treated. So I fasted for 12 hours yesterday and went in for some blood work this morning. I should find out the results within a day or two. I'm assuming they will call me back because if I have to call them, I'm going to be pissed.

If the tests show insulin resistance, or pre-diabetes, then they put you on a drug called Metformin. You can google it and read about it, I don't know that many details. Apparently that can help regulate your period and help control some of the lovely traits of PCOS, ie: acne, excess hair growth, weight gain, etc. If we want to be more aggressive with trying to get pregnant, they would couple the Metformin with Clomid, which is an oral fertility drug, again, google. There are some lovely side effects with both Metformin and Clomid. Metformin has mostly GI (gastrointestinal) side effects so I'll be pooping my pants a lot. If my tests come back normal, well then the course of treatment is usually either birth control or Clomid. Obviously we're not gonna go the birth control route, been there, done that, perhaps we'll meet again in the future. So pretty much, it's going to be very difficult for me to get pregnant again without the help of something...unless Venus aligns with Jupiter in the 7th sun, and that's not predicted until the year 2315!

PCOS: wish it stood for Pretty Cool Ovary Syndrome.

Ladies and...well ladies probably, we just might have a diagnosis...FINALLY. I had an appointment today with the ANRP that I usually see for my annual exams and we discussed my issues for a while. Her initial thought was PCOS which stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I had researched this in the past and thought I might fit into that box. Actually, let me back up. First she mentioned ovulation kits and I replied that they are expensive and wouldn't do me any good since I would have to take them ALL the time for up to 18 weeks. Then we talked about using a basal thermometer to predict ovulation. Fine, I can do that but let's get down to the nitty gritty of what the underlying problem is. THEN she mentioned PCOS becauseI have several of the symptoms/traits whatever you prefer. I have to go back on Monday morning to see my actual OBGYN for an official diagnosis (if that's what she thinks it is), perhaps more tests, and to discuss treatment. Apparently it is fairly common and treatable. I've done a little bit of research but I'm sure tonight I'll be all over google, dumping whatever information I can find into my brain. I will say that I did feel like crying ever so slightly after she mentioned PCOS just from initial shock of hearing it but felt reassured after further discussion. I guess everybody's gotta have their something. This might be mine.

Side notes:

**As usual, the appointment was a bunch of hurry up and wait so I got a little anxious and my blood pressure was a little high I was told. I told the nurse that I was anxious and that usually it's on the low side (has been every other time I've been to a doctor). However, iron levels were perfect.

**The initial nurse that took me back and did the paperwork was a complete moron. I told her I was the fattest I've ever been (it's true) and that I gained 10 lbs right after my miscarriage last year. I also checked the box that said "weight gain" on my patient questionnaire. This was her response: "too bad you couldn't check weight loss" giggle. I kid you not. Now here is your award for world's most insensitive nurse. That and she kept commenting on the screaming baby in another room...and kept on and kept on and kept on. Hi, remember me? This is MY appointment, now PAY ATTENTION.

**I found out that I share a birthday with the lab lady's son. Except he was born in 2001. And apparently 25 is supposed to be the best year of your life. Well it was for her anyway. Thanks lab lady, I'll file that in the "things I'll never need to know" folder. She was nice, I shouldn't be sarcastic.

++Edit to original post: Since I didn't really explain what PCOS is very well, I'll just post a link to a fairly detailed description of what it is. http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.cfm

Reproduction, reproduction! Put your pollen tube to work.

I've been having a hard time lately. I was watching reruns of Sex and the City the other night when Charlotte used the phrase "reproductively challenged" and I just giggled a little. I thought it was clever and it cheered me up a little bit. Of course I don't show it to anyone that I've been having a hard time, that's just not my personality. My brain has been in overdrive lately thinking about my upcoming doctor's visit. Less than a week away and the wait is driving me bonkers!

I will say that what makes things easier is having great friends. Some of my closest friends know my deal and they are geniunely interested in me getting things figured out. They ask me all the time if there have been any new discoveries. There hasn't, but perhaps soon there will be.

Turn Your Head and Cough

This was supposed to be a blog about all the interesting info I got from my doctor's appointment on Tuesday...

HOWEVER - Karma, for whatever reason, has it out for me and I came down with horrible bronchitis last weekend. In the middle of the summer! Nobody around me was sick so I'm not really sure where it came from. I held out on rescheduling my appointment until the last minute in hopes that I would feel well enough to go, but Monday was probably one of the worst days and I had to reschedule early enough so I wouldn't be charged for missing my appointment. I could just see myself having a coughing fit and seeing the speculum go flying across the room. I'm also pretty cranky when I'm ill and I don't like people touching me.

So July 29th was the earliest next available opening. Awesome. 3 MORE weeks. I

t's a good thing I'm not religious because if I was, god would have some 'splainin' to do. Now I just blame everything on karma...that whore.

In other news, I'm having horrible breakouts on my face and upper back, my face feels so greasy and so does my hair for the last few days. How nice it would be if it actually meant something, like that I would be getting my period soon. Ya know, like people with normal cycles. But we all know the truth. It's probably just a spontaneous spike in some random hormone that occurred for some unexplainable reason. Those seem to be the theme-words to my life: spontaneous, random, unexplainable.

Que Sera Sera

I had a lot to blog about over the past couple of weeks but life has been keeping me busy! Between work and play, I haven't had time to breathe until today.

About two weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant. It was a big shocker for her and she wanted to tell me the second she found out but I was on "vacation" (family thing) so she wasn't able to. I was so happy for her but couldn't help feeling a little bummed about my own short-comings. She knows my story so she felt bad for telling me, and I felt bad for her feeling bad. I also called my doctor that same day (I had been planning on doing this, it wasn't just because I found out my friend was pregnant) to see if I could have my pap appointment moved up at all since I still hadn't had a period. Of course, there were no earlier openings available and even after sort-of arguing with the scheduling person, I was stuck with my July 7th appointment. I did have a mini-breakdown that day, cursing my doctor, crying, having a pity party for myself on my drive home from work.

I think a lot of the breakdown was a result of not having fully "healed" from my miscarriage, even a year later. I think I would be much more patient and accepting that it's been this long and still no pregnancy had I never had a miscarriage. I'm very capable of talking about what happened with people who want to know, but inside, there's an open wound that never closed up. People who didn't know I had a miscarriage are literally shocked when they find out because I never did show how I felt about it on the outside. Does anyone really ever fully heal (emotionally) from a miscarriage? It's going to take a healthy pregnancy and baby for me to truly cross that bridge.

In other news: I did FINALLY get my period after 18 weeks on June 18th. This is my second period that I got on my own, without the help of progesterone after my miscarriage. It was very bittersweet. Sweet in the sense that I didn't need drugs for it to happen, bitter in the sense that it ultimately means I'm not pregnant. Also bitter in the sense that it was 18 weeks after my last one, and the one before was 12 weeks after the fact. So there's no pattern here to follow. No way to predict when my next one will be and no way to know when I'm going to ovulate next.

A lot of people have been telling me that pregnancy will happen when you quit thinking about it. Yeah, yeah, I pickup what you're tossing down BUT, how do you stop thinking about it? Seriously, it's a constant thought in my head.

We'll see what the doctor has to say when I go to visit next week. I'm making my list (of questions/concerns) and checking it twice. Hopefully we'll be able to get somewhere. There's got to be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Keepin' it in the Family

I went on a roadtrip with one of my cousins this week (to Springfield, Missouri) to visit one of our other cousins who just had a premie baby (born 10.5 weeks early). All three of us have some kind of menstrual or fertility issue and we've talked about it before because we're a very open family but never in as much depth as we did this week. One cousin doesn't ovulate at all she was recently informed at the age of 28/29, way to diagnose early doctors! The other cousin had a miscarriage shortly after I did last summer then had a fairly high risk pregnancy this time around (bleeding early on, etc) and ended up delivering at 29 weeks for some reason they can't figure out quite yet. I even have a male cousin who is sterile. And then there's me in all of my glory, you know the deal. So this is one of the many things we bond over (most of them are good though, this is one of the few bummers).

The cousin that doesn't ovulate (btw: yes it would be easier to use names but you know...) has been on a form of progesterone for a long time and is starting Clomid this month. I had researched Clomid before and often thought this might be the route Justin and I will have to try because it has been almost a year now with no success. It makes me a little angry because we were able to get pregnant before without any help so I'm not quite sure what the big, hairy deal is now!

So my pap appointment is in about 3 weeks and I'm making my list of questions and checking it twice. This time, my doctor's not getting out easily! I can't wait to see the look on the nurse's face when she asks when my last period was and I tell her February 14th, lol. I'm going to march into those stirrups with my list of concerns in hand! If no one else is going to be an advocate for my reproductive health, then I sure as hell am.

Spread Em

I'm having a little deja vu here today. Much to the disappointment of a few of my close friends, I am revisiting my current OBGYN, or rather the nurse lady (she's an ARNP) to have my annual exam. I need closure and before I just up and leave one doctor to go to another, I need to know that I am truly dissatisfied with the one I have. So I'm giving it one more go and if I end up getting upset again, I have a few referrals from friends. Unfortunately, one of those referrals is at the same office so I'd probably end up seeing the nurse again.

Here is where the deju vu starts: Last year I called sometime in May to schedule my annual exam (pap) and it happened to be scheduled for July 7th, 2008. Why do I remember this random fact? Easy, it's my wedding anniversary and I remember joking about it, that there is nothing more fun to do on your anniversary than to be in stirrups. So I called today and scheduled my annual exam and what do you know, they scheduled it for July 7th again! Weird. I found out I was pregnant last year on May 29th and had to cancel my pap appointment...how odd would it be to find out the same thing this year? Wishful thinking, I know. It won't happen...but if it were to, I'd think it was some kind of cruel joke considering the sequence of events last year.

I kind of wish I would've been able to get in sooner but it's my own damn fault for waiting until the last minute to schedule. Perhaps if I would've brought up the fact that my uterus is being a jerk, they might've scheduled me sooner. Oh well, it's only a little over a month away. Maybe Mother Nature will provide some answers of her own in the meantime.

A Tale of Two Ovaries

I suppose I should give some kind of background as to what my deal is, so here goes:

Ever since I started getting my period (when I was 13, yeah late bloomer, I think girls are getting it now at 9 or something, holy shit), it was IRregular. Totally irregular. I never kept track of it but it was every other month at the most, and that's being generous. I never thought much of it because when you're a young teen, having your period sucks. Hell, it sucks no matter how old you are. I didn't start visiting the vag doctor until I was 17 or 18 but I don't think I mentioned it. When they asked when my last period was, I would shrug and say, "uh...(insert made up date here)" because I didn't want them to think I was a freak. I just chalked it up to being young and thought that eventually it would work itself out. Needless to say, I wish I would have been honest from the get-go.

I switched vag doctors sometime around the age of 21. I brought up my aunt flo issues but my doc didn't really seem all that concerned about it so why should I be, right? She would tell me that some women just aren't regular and it's normal. So introduce birth control pills. They were pretty wonderful when I was on them, other than the fact that I couldn't get the generic (Orthotricyclen-LO, apparently I wasn't cool enough for the HI version) and they were fairly expensive. Not only did they kee aunt flo on a schedule each month but they kept my skin clear and I didn't gain any weight! Pretty sweet deal.

I went off birth control in March of 2008, when I was 23 because I had been married for about 8 months and we decided it might be neat to have a little Steph or Justin around. Cue IRregular cycle again. I'm tellin' you, I should invest in First Response stock because I have went through so many HPT's due to my not-knowing when the hell I'm supposed to get my period. I tested, and tested, and tested some more and then one day, 6 days after I had taken a negative test, it came back positive. I was shocked. It had only been 2 months since I went off the pill. I had it confirmed by a blood test at the doc's office and thus began the pregnancy visits to the lady doctor.

My first appointment was just the introduction hoo-ha full of pamphlets and books to get started on. The next visit was my annual exam (I was due for one anyway) and a discussion of what my due date would be. I had been so frustrated because every nurse I had talked to would pull out their little due date calculator wheel and tell me I was due December 19th. I would then correct them and say, no way in hell I'm that far along, I'm totally IRREGULAR, and those things won't work. So my doc scheduled an early INTERNAL ultrasound. Side note: if you've never had an INTERNAL ultrasound, it's basically them sticking a dildo camera up there to take a look at your insides. According to the technician, I was about 6 1/2 weeks along, therefore, due date would be February 15th. Told you so! It was a viable pregnancy, we saw a heartbeat. Heartbeat was slow, but it was there. Tech told scheduled us to come back in a week to check the heartbeat and make sure everything was ok.

4 days after my ultrasound, I woke up having a miscarriage. It was completely surreal. I had taken the day off work to go to Chicago to see a friend. I woke up and something, just something, didn't feel right. I hopped out of bed and saw a lot of blood. I was freaking out! We drove to the emergency room where we met my mom (she works downtown so she was able to meet us there). After hours of waiting, testing, ultrasounding, and examining, the ER doctor confirmed is was a spontaneous miscarriage. Talk about the worst news I had ever heard. Worst of all is that I was so sad, but still felt guilty because I was bleeding all over the place. I was embarassed because of what the nurses had to see. I look back now and know that they've probably seen this kind of thing multiple times but at the time it was really awkward. I went home, cried for most of the weekend, and went back to work on a Tuesday.

I scheduled an appointment the following week with my own doctor. Let me just say how weird it is to call your doctors office and when they say, "what can I do for you," to tell them, "uh, I had a miscarriage." I was in the waiting room FULL of pregnant women. Side note: Cedar Rapids flooded horribly that summer so my doctor's office had been combined with the sister doctor's office and it was soooo busy! I broke down in the waiting room and nobody gave a shit. NOBODY. Except one lady who told me she had been through the same thing years ago. Once in the room with my doctor, it was like, "oh, so you had a miscarriage, it happens." I like her, but she was pretty cold to me that day, or maybe she was super busy because they had over-scheduled everyone. She did a quick (and by quick I mean, less than 1 minute) exam and told me to wait one cycle to try again. Ha! One cycle for me could be 3 months!

After this happened, I started to do a lot of research. Research on miscarriage; why it happens, what it means, how to move on. Research on irregularity, research on ovulation, research on infertility (you start thinking the worst after having a miscarriage). I found out a lot of people close to me had miscarriages before. Except my mom, who is a fertility queen apparently.

Summer came and went and around the end of August I still hadn't gotten my period (3 months later). I did however get a horrible case of acne (and I RARELY had zits before) and 10 lbs added on to my gut. Chalk it up to hormones out of control Justin and I decided to start trying again even though no aunt flo yet. My emotions were more stable and I was feeling like myself again. Months went by, no positive HPTs and still no period. FINALLY, come mid-November, I decided to call my doctor. Why I waited so long, I'm not sure. They ran thyroid and prolactin tests and put me on medroxyprogesterone acetate to "jump-start" things. Yeah, it certainly did. I relived the flood of 2008...in my pants. Both tests came back "normal" and when they called to tell me that, the nurse said "isn't that good news?" and I said "well, kind of, but it doesn't really give me any answers."

12 weeks came and went after that and I was so excited because I got my period on my own in February without the help of drugs! So I counted down the next 12 weeks, hoping that I had ovulated at some point whilst "trying" again. I read a few places that even if you're irregular, you normally ovulate about 2 weeks before getting your period. Well here we are today and it's been 14 weeks since my last period now. Not pregnant, not anything...well except frustrated.

Time to call the doctor again. I need to schedule my annual exam anyway so hopefully we can start looking into this further. I've been considering trying a new doctor out but for some reason, part of me still thinks that since my doctor knows my background, it would be in my best interest to go back ONE MORE TIME to see if I can't light a fire up someone's ass.

Flamingos? What the eff?

Why "The Flamingo Diaries", you ask? When I was younger, I was was an idiot and called my fallopian tubes my "flamingo tubes" because I thought it was funny. Fallopian and flamingo sound alike. Flamingos have long skinny necks much like the tubes de fallop. Fallopian, flamingo, you love it.

I started this blog separate from my regular blog (see http://weezmachine.livejournal.com) because I A) didn't want to bore people with my woman issues, B) gross people out with my woman issues, and C) didn't want to take away from the masterpiece that is my other blog. I have a lot of pent up thoughts on finding a good OBGYN, struggling with fertility, and the chaos that is my menstrual cycle that I want to express and I didn't feel my other blog was the appropriate place to get them out.

So read on if you're interested, or don't, whatev. I'm hoping this blog will have a happy ending at some point, whatever that may be.