Pardon me, I must've tripped over that last hurdle

Of life. You're are a tricky, tricky thing sometimes. My regular OBGYN is now pawning me off on a infertility specialist. According to her, since all of my tests have come back "normal" and we've already tried the Clomid, it's now time to see a specialist. Of course this was all over the phone and coming from her nurse. God forbid I actually get to talk to my doctor one on one about this. I'm a little irritated to say the least. I knew this was coming but guess I didn't think it was going to be so sudden. Aaand, obviously the problem is my hormones. I don't know why they have to send me to a specialist to tell me that.

Well, the kicker is, seeing a specialist (reproductive endocrinologist) costs more, and my insurance doesn't cover it (since I've already reached my generous $500 maximum lifetime benefit). But they don't take that into consideration when they deliver the news to you.

So here lies the dilemma: what the eff you see kay am I going to do? I'm not rich. I can't keep asking my mom to help. It's not her problem. Yes, there are payment plans, but I just got done with one, and am about to start another for the HSG. Do I wait until I have the HSG paid off to start seeing a specialist? This is where I wish I had some kind of faith. But I don't, and I won't, so I can't rely on financial or biological "miracle".

I guess here is where we meet the brick wall again. Hello brick wall, it's nice to see you. It's been a while, I hope all is well. Oh me? I'm fine, just wish you'd stop getting in my way.

So, the answer to the question "what now?" I guess we wait...again.

My Fallopian Tubes Get An A+

The results are in and...

Everything is fine! Well, physically speaking. No blockages, fibroids, cysts, scar tissue, septus (sp?). He did show me that I have somewhat of an "arcuate" uterus but that it's nothing abnormal and was only slightly "arched" so it shouldn't present any problems. The doctor performing the HSG said it was one of the easiest HSG's he's ever done and that my cervix presented itself nicely...uhhh, thanks I guess? It was like a pap-smear on crack. The catheter was sort of a pinching feeling and when the dye came in my uterus shouted "hey, what the hell?!?", or at least that's how I interpreted the cramping I was feeling during it. While the catheter was in, I just felt pressure like I had to go to the bathroom (though #1 or #2 I couldn't decide). But being able to watch everything as it happened on the x-ray monitor sort of distracted me and was pretty cool to look at. I'm one of those people who likes to know how things work so it was kind of gnarly to be able to see the dye flowing through my uterus and fallopian tubes.

The whole procedure was quick, about 2 minutes or so. So if my calculations are correct, that doctor is making about $48,000/hour. NICE. I'm in the wrong field of work.

So, what's next? My own OBGYN needs to review the results and then I guess I'll get a call next week...or knowing them I'll probably have to call in. More and/or different fertility drugs are probably next. My doctor and I discussed (VERY BRIEFLY) IUI (intra-uterine insemination) when I was there back in February but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. Justin and I might take a few months to ourselves before we jump back in to the hormone therapy game. But at least we've pretty much run the gamut of testing (between all the blood tests, semen analysis, and HSG) so we now have more options.

I finally feel somewhat at peace now...until that bill comes. YIKES!

Doomsday is upon us

The HSG is scheduled for this Friday afternoon. I'm planning on working in the morning to keep my mind occupied then heading over to the hospital with the Mister. I'm nervous...not so much about the actual procedure, though I'm not necessarily looking forward to it. I'm more nervous about the results. I've had a million different scenarios running through my head and of course, none of them will play out exactly one way.

I just keep reminding myself, I've had two kidney stone surgeries and a ureteral stent in this year so this can't even be HALF as bad. Not even close.

Keep your fingers crossed that they don't find a gremlin or something living inside of me.

S.S. to the Rescue!

Well I'll be damned. The Mister apparently has super sperm! According to the test results, he is completely normal and has "very good results" according to the nurse. At least only one of us is defective :). That is a much needed sigh of relief. WHEW! I would rather carry the burden of being defunct than have him feel guilty about it.

So what's next? I have to wait until day 1 of my next cycle (which will be ???), then call to schedule my HSG. I guess it has to be done between days 8 and 10 of my cycle. They also want me to call my insurance company so there are no surprises when I get billed. I'm going to call the hospital to ask about the cost and I've been told to advise them of my crappy insurance and perhaps they can put me on some kind of reduced cost program. No guarantees, but it's worth a shot. The nurse I spoke to today was very helpful and described the procedure to me, even though I've already filled my brain with all kinds of made-up horror stories.

Just thankful we finally received some kind of promising news. Every little breakthrough makes the light at the end of the tunnel a little brighter.

5 Step Program

Wow, that last post was a little over-dramatic, no? Truth is, I was feeling really down that day about the Fertilaid not working. I was so hopeful because it worked great the first month and then here we are on day 38 of this cycle and I don't even think I've ovulated yet. And I'm taking those damn pills religiously even though they taste GOD AWFUL. I can't expect them to work miracles here, they are just a multi-vitamin with some herbs that have been shown to balance hormones and improve fertility. I had to remind myself of a few things since that last post:



1) those herbs can take 3-6 months to fully see the effects...even then, they may not work for me.

2) I can't expect to just magically get pregnant. My hormones and ovaries are basically assholes. They don't function like that of a "normal" 26 year old female. If I want this, I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm going to have to work a little harder than the av-er-age bear.

3) Justin's little swimmers might have issues too and we need to get him checked out. I know that I am not operating at full capacity for sure, but who knows? He might have retarded sperm.

4) Financially, it's really hard to justify getting and HSG done. I mean, I don't just have $1000-$2000 laying around, reserved for getting glamour shots of my fallopian tubes. And St. Lukes is still robbing me from when I got my kidney poked (twice). However, I really do need to get the HSG. My doctor won't move forward with any further treatment until I do. So I may need to swallow my pride (and embarassment) and ask my mom to help me pay for it. Man, what a drag.

5) I just need to chill the *bleep* out. Why do I get so frustrated with my biology? It can't hear me cursing at it. The stress surely isn't helping things along.

Thankfully my marriage is not taking a backseat to this issue. I refuse to let it. The PCOS is just a shitty ordeal that is part of life.

arrrrgh...

word of the day: discouraged...

So the vitamins worked great the first month. Not so much the 2nd month. My body probably recognized I was trying to trick it and said "oh no way, eff you, you can't control me." I have no idea what's going on.

I surrender, ovaries, you win!

Each day that passes, I think we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way...with lots of hormone drugs.

Biology is a beeotch.

Not to mention, last week was littered with more crap we get to deal with (non-related to this post). Can I get a break? please?

Keep on Truckin'

Yep, the Fertilaid is working. Fertilaid cycle 1, complete. No babies this time but I'll try it out for a few more months. I'm willing to be patient. There still may be another underlying problem but we'll walk down that road when we get to it. That's about all I have at the moment.

So far, so good

It's now been 11 days since I've been on the Fertilaid supplements and hadn't really noticed any changes. I knew that it took up to 3 months to see any improvements in your cycle per all the info read on the product so I was totally all about being patient with this stuff. THEN, I took an OPK today and by george, I think I'm gonna ovulate. It was very positive. Aaaaand, my CM is really fertile-looking today. It's day 20 of my cycle and I've been on Fertilaid since day 9? I think. I haven't been temping so I won't be able to really confirm ovulation but if my cycle ends in about 2 weeks, give or take, then we'll know this stuff is amazing. Hopefully if it's working so soon, it continues to work as long as I'm taking it.

I had my annual pap & pelvic exam on Monday and everything went well. Well, I haven't received a phone call with bad news yet anyway so I'll assume the best. I see a nurse practitioner who does my exams and I love her! I wish she was my actual doctor. She just always seems geniunely interested in her patients. She asked how my visit with my actual doctor went in February (as the Clomid phase was ending). I told her that Dr. Hess wanted me to get an HSG and the Mister to get a sperm analysis but we haven't done those yet for financial reasons. She said that the sperm analysis isn't too costly and that we should do it for piece of mind. So that might be in the works soon. I let her know I was taking Fertilaid and she seemed rather indifferent to it. She didn't express any concern and she didn't rave about it, mostly because she had never heard of it.

So I'll continue with the Fertilaid and check back in with this blog in about 2 weeks. Patience and hope, patience and hope.

Au Natural

So I've been researching this product lately called Fertilaid. It's basically an all natural (vitamins, herbs, etc) supplement that is supposed to help with getting pregnant. It has a lot of natural ingredients to help establish normal ovulation and factors that contribute to getting pregnant. If you google it, you'll find tons of info and reviews. It was developed by a OBGYN doctor. Supposedly it evens helps with women who have PCOS. I'm always a skeptic but I really haven't read anything negative about it, except from women who've taken it who previously had normal cycles. Apparently in their cases, it screwed up their cycles. Whatever, at least they HAVE normal cycles. Lol.

I have my annual OBGYN appointment next month so I plan to ask my doctor about it. Of course she'll probably be against it because she's in the medical field but who knows. My biggest concern is that it will affect my kidney's negatively since I've had so many problems with kidney stones lately. I would ask my urologist what he thinks but I've played that game before when I asked him if Clomid had anything to do with kidney stones and he didn't have a clue. That is literally the only thing I'm concerned about otherwise I probably would have already placed an order for some. All the ingredients are listed on the website and nothing looks disturbing to me. Plus I can't imagine this would be any worse that taking goddamn Clomid. That stuff will mess you up. Yes, it made me ovulate (after increasing the dosage) but it had LOTS of negative side effects.

Otherwise, if I decide not to go down the Fertilaid route, I think next year we might start seeing a specialist. Depends on the money situation though. I have to get these kidney stone surgery bills paid off first.

The Ride Was Nice While It Lasted

So much for those regular cycles, they are OVER. Bummer dude. It was nice while they lasted.

I have my annual OBGYN appt in August and I think I'll have another list of questions this year. I know I will have to get that HSG done before they give me anymore fertility drugs but I think they need to run some more blood tests. BTW: That HSG can't happen until I get my surgery bills from my kidney stuff paid off (hopefully by the end of this year). I think they need to check my thyroid again. Maybe some other glandular or hormone tests. There's got to be something there.

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption. Do I really want to put my body through all of this? If we decided to adopt, it would be a few years from now before we would even start the process. It's expensive and we'd have to have a lot more money saved up. Maybe that's what I'm meant to do with my life: adopt.

Oh well, all we can do is wait patiently until my OBGYN appointment, and that may not result in anymore tests, seeing as that they've already done quite a few.

Damn That Show

Alert! Alert! Some of you may find this post depressing but please...don't.

Just when I thought I had buried the past, I have to watch one of the most depressing episodes of one of my favorite shows, "Big Love," ever. The teenage daughter found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago on the show and was going to give it up and then decided she wanted to keep the baby. Then, one of the sister wives wakes up to her crying in the middle of the night in the bathroom and says "I think I'm losing my baby." Then they have to tell the rest of the family and it's like the saddest thing ever. I haven't cried over my miscarriage in a LONG time. I am totally fine talking about it to anyone who wants to know so I thought I had pretty much moved on. I mean, it was 2 years ago. But then I watch this damn episode and it brings back that rush of feelings and I couldn't hold my emotions back. Justin knows I'm a crybaby anyway with any sad TV show or movie, but for some reason I felt odd crying over this episode. I did the same thing when I watched "Marley and Me." Although, I bawled throughout that movie for more reasons than the fact that Jennifer Aniston had a miscarriage. Like I should be completely over it. But the timing was kind of shitty too. It's June and my miscarriage was in June. This part of the summer, when we get close to the end of June always sort of brings that day back, but I'm usually very accepting of it and I move on.

I don't know, maybe I'm extra emotional because I might be close to the end of my cycle (fingers crossed because that would be a good thing!). It was a sad fucking day when that happened and one of the hardest things to go through in my entire life...if not THEE hardest. I have to let myself accept these emotions because it doesn't mean I'm a shipwreck if I cry a little.

Whoa!

Uh yeah...I don't want to jinx this but I had a 2nd "normal" cycle in a row without the help of medication. This is pretty weird. I figured that my cycle would go back to being far and few between as soon as the last round of Clomid was over. TWO IN A ROW. This one was 32 days long. I thought the first normal cycle was a fluke, that maybe there was still some Clomid in my system but that couldn't have been the case this time, could it have? I tried googling it but I couldn't find any info that would apply to me. Hopefully this also means I am ovulating...I'm not sure since I haven't been testing.

Just gonna keep my fingers crossed for a third normal cycle.

Well that was interesting

After 2 surgeries, the kidney stone has been dealt with. What a long process!

In unrelated news, this was the first month off of Clomid (since August) and I actually had a fairly normal cycle. I'm not getting my hopes up. It could have been a fluke, maybe there was some Clomid left in my system? I'm not sure how that works. My cycle was 36 days (just a few days longer than when on Clomid). Usually when I'm not on any meds I'll go at least 8 weeks between cycles. So if I calculate right, I would've ovulated just a few days after my first kidney stone surgery so obviously there was no hanky panky going on.

So, it'll be interesting to see how this next cycle goes. I'm not going all out and temping but I'll probably use the ovulation sticks. I'm not going to get all caught up in the hype because I've been through the ringer lately with kidney problems and I'm exhausted. We'll just take it one day at a time. After having a stent in for 3 weeks, the last thing I want to think about is giving birth.

Hold That Thought

The infertility stuff is temporarily being put on hold due to kidney stones again! I have to have a procedure for my kidney stones next week and some follow up appointments for them so getting the HSG is the low on the totem pole right now. I have enough going on with my lady business lately that I don't even want to think about more abdominal x-rays! My other blog explains more.

http://weezmachine.livejournal.com

Brown Paper Bag

I don't know if it's because spring is almost here and spring is my favorite season but I feel like something switched over in my brain. Like I feel more optimistic about everything all of a sudden. Maybe it's also because I ran into a friend of mine who just had a baby in January, we chatted, then she told me she had two miscarriages and a long bout of trying and not getting pregnant beforehand. I never knew any of that. So I feel like I can do this. I'm kind of relieved to be taking some time off from medication. I was so scared of getting the HSG (hysterosalpingogram) just yesterday and now today I feel like I can do it, no big deal. That's me though, I feel strong one day and scared the next.

We're kind of waiting for our tax return before getting either of the tests done but I think I might have Justin go ahead and do his whenever. It IS pretty convenient for him after all and the inconspicuous brown paper bag with a spooge cup inside has been sitting on our kitchen counter for a few weeks. My test, on the other hand, will have to wait until we get some extra dough, which is fine.

There will still be bad days where all I wanna do is sulk about how crappy my situation is but today I felt really positive about where things COULD go.

Phase One: complete

Round 6: no go. It was so crazy too because I didn't get cramps or anything like I normally do and I had a bit of spotting beforehand (which never happens). So of course I go out and buy a pregnancy test to take the next day. But the next day, it came, full force. So that was awesome.

Now I feel a little like a lost puppy. Justin and I will go through the next set of testing (semen analysis and hysterosalpingogram) and use some of our tax return to pay for it. Not exactly what I wanted to use any of that money for but you'll have that. I don't know when I'll schedule it. Justin can go in anytime. He has it easy. Jerk off in a cup. Seriously. I, on the other hand, had a nightmare a few nights ago about the hysterosalpingogram. I've been assured that it's really not that bad and it's similar to a pap-smear but I'm still a little bit scared. Why can't they just put me under and do it? (haha). I'm thinking within the next month or two I'll go in for that. If there are any abnormalities discovered from either of the tests, then we'll figure out what we need to do. If both tests are normal, then I think it's back on drugs and possibly IUI. We may take some time off from all the madness before we move on to that anyway.

One thing I promised myself was that if the last round of Clomid didn't result in pregnancy, I would put my excess energy into other outlets for a while. I have a volunteer app for the Cedar Rapids Animal Shelter that I've been delaying sending it so I'm going to mail that on Monday. I'm also going to focus on losing weight. I am not at a healthy weight right now so now that the weather is getting nicer and I can be outside a lot more, I'm really going to try this time. I'm not sure if that will help with anything but it's something that I need to do.

I've had to work for a lot of what I have so why should having babies be any different I suppose?

So Much to Process

The appointment went ok. I did have to wait forever of course but my doctor did sincerely apologize today for that. She was in a very good mood so she made me feel better about being there. Basically fingers are still crossed that this last clomid round pans out. Otherwise we're talkin' dolla bills. Lots of them. So what's next if this round sucks? Justin goes and gets a semen analysis (where his mom works, lol). Now, I'm not sure if that would fall under his insurance or mine, I forgot to ask. Hopefully his because I think his covers that to some extent. If it fell under my insurance it would just fall under my deductible. I've read so many different figures for how much this test would cost, my doctor said a couple hundred. Then, if that turns out normal, I would go in for a hysterosalpingogram. Omg, I will never remember that word. In normal words, an x-ray of my fallopian tubes to check for blockages, irregularities, abnormalities, etc. If THAT comes back normal, we would discuss how aggressive we want to be with treatment. IUI (intra-uterine insemination) would be a pretty aggressive next step. Going back on clomid would possibly be a choice again but only if everything checked out okay, since it is making me ovulate.

So basically, let's just hope really hard that 6th round is the real charm.

My brain hurts.

If I come back bald, it's because I pulled my hair out waiting

For some reason I get crazy amounts of anxiety before a doctors/dentists appointments. Now, I have plenty of reason to be anxious at the dentist...drills and picks, eeek!!! Doctor's appointments, not so much. I'm nervous for a whole other set of reasons when I go to the OBGYN now. I have no qualms about having blood drawn or being poked and prodded, it's the waiting. I don't think I have ever been there where I haven't had to wait at least 20-30 minutes (one time an hour!) to see the doctor. Of course you think you're getting in quick because the nurse usually takes you back on time. But then you wait, and wait, and wait some more, then you hear your doctor's voice thinking she'll be in any minute, then continue waiting, until FINALLY, she comes in and says "and what are you here for today?" I cannot express how much that phrase drives me crazy. Now, I've been told that this is standard procedure for most doctors. It has something to do with getting the patient to open up maybe?? But I really would rather we just skip all small talk and get down to business. Believe me, I have no problem opening up. I usually bring a list with me of topics I want to discuss, just in case I forget something.

Anyhoo...I'm at work trying to pretend like I'm not anxious already but I am. I printed off some Sudoku puzzles to do while I'm waiting to help pass the time. I'll post an update after I get back from my appointment. I honestly have no idea what to expect. I have all of these scenarios running through my head but of course, it usually never ends up how you expect it to.

Will it be further testing and ultrasounds? A specimen needed from Justin? A referral to a reproductive endocrinologist? Injections? Medication? Ovary transplant? lol. Wish me luck!

Follow the yellow brick road

I have an appointment a week from Monday to meet with my doctor. Once again, I'm preparing a list of questions and concerns to present to her...I'm sure she just loves me. I have a very inquiring mind. Hopefully we'll discuss what my options are if this last round doesn't work out. My fingers are crossed so tightly that it hurts.

Justin and I did do some talking. He is a very rational person, I am not always. I mean for the most part I am, but sometimes I get sucked into the pattern of how life SHOULD be. You know, college, marriage, house, baby (sarcasm). Haha, and I'm so not typical I don't know why I think I have to fit into this cookie cutter path. He reminded me that I am only 25 and my child-bearing years are far from over (well let's hope so anyway). We agreed that if we had to take a year or two (or more) to save up some money for treatment then that's just what we'll have to do. I'm beginning to be ok with that thinking.

I haven't given up hope.

Oh For Cryin' Out Loud

Sad face.

Guess we'll be moving on the final round of clomid. Very bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I'm so tired of taking clomid. Bitter in the fact that this is it. I have no idea what lies ahead if we don't get pregnant this last round. Since my insurance doesn't provide much in this way, I'm not sure what our next course of action will be. I would imagine most people would move on to a specialist but I'm not sure if my insurance would even cover THAT.

The last few rounds I haven't been this upset when it didn't work out. I'm now slowly coming to the realization that I may never be able to have children and that my friends, is a real eye-0pener. I've always said I'm open to adoption but that is way beyond our means at this point as well. I'm so sick of all these fertility books saying that if you want children, you will be able to have them, even if you have to take a different route to have them. Well what those books don't take into account are people like me and Justin who don't make a butt-load of cash and don't have great insurance to cover other treatments.

I'm hoping to set an appointment up with my OBGYN so we can discuss future treatments, if any. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm at work now which means I have to shut the emotion off and turn on my professional face. I'm hoping for a quiet, non-stressful, busy day. I definitely need it.

Sucky McSuckerson

Have I ever mentioned how much the infamous "2 week wait" sucks? And I always get to the point around 11 dpo (days past ovulation) where I really want to take a home pregnancy test but I just don't allow myself to. Before I knew a name for what's up with my body, I would take a hpt every week or every other week because I could go a long time between periods. As I've mentioned before, it could be 8 weeks, it could be 12 weeks, it could be 18 weeks! So I've wasted a lot of money and sanity on those darn tests. I just can't put myself through that again. Even though it equally sucks when you see your temperature start to drop at about 13-14 dpo and you know what's coming. When I get to 13 dpo I wake up each morning and hope really hard that my temperature doesn't drop significantly.

Speaking of waking up faithfully at 6am each morning to take my temperature...can I just get pregnant already so I don't have to do that anymore? It's not so bad during the week because I get up for work at that time anyway, but the weekends kill me. Oh and the whole, having to pee so bad but waking up and looking at the clock show 4:30 am and telling myself that I need to go back to sleep because if I get up my temperature won't be accurate. I have a cutoff time for peeing in the middle of the night: if I wake up before 3am, it's ok to get up, if it's after 3am, no go. You have to have 3 consecutive hours of sleep for the whole temping thing to be accurate AND take it around the same time each day.

Sorry to make this blog so TMI but that's just how I roll. I can't tip-toe around things I really want to say. I just can't.

8 more days to go!

Smooth sailing ahead

It's been smooth sailing this round so far. Well, except for the nasty mood swings I had this time around. They were BAD. But they only lasted while I was on the clomid for 5 days. I tried really hard to keep the moodiness in check after I exploded the first day.

# of kidney stones this round: big fat zero
# of days sick with a cold or something this round: big fat zero
# of positive ovulation tests this round: two

The last test (from today) was SUPER positive. I don't know if that's possible but it happened. I had a positive Ov test yesterday but today the test line came back SUPER dark, darker than the reference line. My LH level must be crazy right now! That's a good thing.

So things are going my way after two rounds of suckiness. Keep those fingers crossed for a few more weeks!

NEXT!

I was totally right. Am I tuned in or what? So, here we go with round 5. This is my second-to-last Clomid trial so let's hope that A) my ovulation isn't delayed by a cold or kidney stones or the like and B) that a little embryo decides to hang out for a while.

I might go get drunk tonight because I can. I'm also going to dye my hair finally. I'm also going to get on Amazon.com and buy those Biggest Loser DVDs I've been looking at for a while. Maybe being less fat will help the process.

So if you're a person of prayer, please give god (or whoever you pray to) a shout out for me. I feel kind of hypocritical praying so I don't usually. Otherwise, just send some good vibes my way. I'm gonna need all the help I can get, haha.

The End Is Near

I feel the cramps coming on. You know what that means. I can expect my arch nemesis in the next day or so. Not really surprised. I try not to work myself up too much each round. Just makes for a bigger letdown. I still feel like saying this: "AHHHHHHHHH!" So we've got cramps starting, and my BBT started to dip today. FYI, your BBT decreases right before your cycle ends due to a decrease in progesterone.

I've even been avoiding alcohol for the past two weeks and put off dying my "desparately in need of a coloring" hair just in case. I didn't even have a drink on New Year's Eve! Oh well, what do you do? You can't stop it from happening once it's ready to go. It was a wacky cycle anyway. I'm leaving early from work today so I can go sulk all afternoon. Haha, just kidding. I am leaving early though.

I really hate how mother nature drags this out. Cramps for an entire day usually, then a day or two later, the inevitable. Being a girl is tough.