So Much to Process

The appointment went ok. I did have to wait forever of course but my doctor did sincerely apologize today for that. She was in a very good mood so she made me feel better about being there. Basically fingers are still crossed that this last clomid round pans out. Otherwise we're talkin' dolla bills. Lots of them. So what's next if this round sucks? Justin goes and gets a semen analysis (where his mom works, lol). Now, I'm not sure if that would fall under his insurance or mine, I forgot to ask. Hopefully his because I think his covers that to some extent. If it fell under my insurance it would just fall under my deductible. I've read so many different figures for how much this test would cost, my doctor said a couple hundred. Then, if that turns out normal, I would go in for a hysterosalpingogram. Omg, I will never remember that word. In normal words, an x-ray of my fallopian tubes to check for blockages, irregularities, abnormalities, etc. If THAT comes back normal, we would discuss how aggressive we want to be with treatment. IUI (intra-uterine insemination) would be a pretty aggressive next step. Going back on clomid would possibly be a choice again but only if everything checked out okay, since it is making me ovulate.

So basically, let's just hope really hard that 6th round is the real charm.

My brain hurts.

If I come back bald, it's because I pulled my hair out waiting

For some reason I get crazy amounts of anxiety before a doctors/dentists appointments. Now, I have plenty of reason to be anxious at the dentist...drills and picks, eeek!!! Doctor's appointments, not so much. I'm nervous for a whole other set of reasons when I go to the OBGYN now. I have no qualms about having blood drawn or being poked and prodded, it's the waiting. I don't think I have ever been there where I haven't had to wait at least 20-30 minutes (one time an hour!) to see the doctor. Of course you think you're getting in quick because the nurse usually takes you back on time. But then you wait, and wait, and wait some more, then you hear your doctor's voice thinking she'll be in any minute, then continue waiting, until FINALLY, she comes in and says "and what are you here for today?" I cannot express how much that phrase drives me crazy. Now, I've been told that this is standard procedure for most doctors. It has something to do with getting the patient to open up maybe?? But I really would rather we just skip all small talk and get down to business. Believe me, I have no problem opening up. I usually bring a list with me of topics I want to discuss, just in case I forget something.

Anyhoo...I'm at work trying to pretend like I'm not anxious already but I am. I printed off some Sudoku puzzles to do while I'm waiting to help pass the time. I'll post an update after I get back from my appointment. I honestly have no idea what to expect. I have all of these scenarios running through my head but of course, it usually never ends up how you expect it to.

Will it be further testing and ultrasounds? A specimen needed from Justin? A referral to a reproductive endocrinologist? Injections? Medication? Ovary transplant? lol. Wish me luck!

Follow the yellow brick road

I have an appointment a week from Monday to meet with my doctor. Once again, I'm preparing a list of questions and concerns to present to her...I'm sure she just loves me. I have a very inquiring mind. Hopefully we'll discuss what my options are if this last round doesn't work out. My fingers are crossed so tightly that it hurts.

Justin and I did do some talking. He is a very rational person, I am not always. I mean for the most part I am, but sometimes I get sucked into the pattern of how life SHOULD be. You know, college, marriage, house, baby (sarcasm). Haha, and I'm so not typical I don't know why I think I have to fit into this cookie cutter path. He reminded me that I am only 25 and my child-bearing years are far from over (well let's hope so anyway). We agreed that if we had to take a year or two (or more) to save up some money for treatment then that's just what we'll have to do. I'm beginning to be ok with that thinking.

I haven't given up hope.

Oh For Cryin' Out Loud

Sad face.

Guess we'll be moving on the final round of clomid. Very bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I'm so tired of taking clomid. Bitter in the fact that this is it. I have no idea what lies ahead if we don't get pregnant this last round. Since my insurance doesn't provide much in this way, I'm not sure what our next course of action will be. I would imagine most people would move on to a specialist but I'm not sure if my insurance would even cover THAT.

The last few rounds I haven't been this upset when it didn't work out. I'm now slowly coming to the realization that I may never be able to have children and that my friends, is a real eye-0pener. I've always said I'm open to adoption but that is way beyond our means at this point as well. I'm so sick of all these fertility books saying that if you want children, you will be able to have them, even if you have to take a different route to have them. Well what those books don't take into account are people like me and Justin who don't make a butt-load of cash and don't have great insurance to cover other treatments.

I'm hoping to set an appointment up with my OBGYN so we can discuss future treatments, if any. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm at work now which means I have to shut the emotion off and turn on my professional face. I'm hoping for a quiet, non-stressful, busy day. I definitely need it.

Sucky McSuckerson

Have I ever mentioned how much the infamous "2 week wait" sucks? And I always get to the point around 11 dpo (days past ovulation) where I really want to take a home pregnancy test but I just don't allow myself to. Before I knew a name for what's up with my body, I would take a hpt every week or every other week because I could go a long time between periods. As I've mentioned before, it could be 8 weeks, it could be 12 weeks, it could be 18 weeks! So I've wasted a lot of money and sanity on those darn tests. I just can't put myself through that again. Even though it equally sucks when you see your temperature start to drop at about 13-14 dpo and you know what's coming. When I get to 13 dpo I wake up each morning and hope really hard that my temperature doesn't drop significantly.

Speaking of waking up faithfully at 6am each morning to take my temperature...can I just get pregnant already so I don't have to do that anymore? It's not so bad during the week because I get up for work at that time anyway, but the weekends kill me. Oh and the whole, having to pee so bad but waking up and looking at the clock show 4:30 am and telling myself that I need to go back to sleep because if I get up my temperature won't be accurate. I have a cutoff time for peeing in the middle of the night: if I wake up before 3am, it's ok to get up, if it's after 3am, no go. You have to have 3 consecutive hours of sleep for the whole temping thing to be accurate AND take it around the same time each day.

Sorry to make this blog so TMI but that's just how I roll. I can't tip-toe around things I really want to say. I just can't.

8 more days to go!