Que Sera Sera

I had a lot to blog about over the past couple of weeks but life has been keeping me busy! Between work and play, I haven't had time to breathe until today.

About two weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant. It was a big shocker for her and she wanted to tell me the second she found out but I was on "vacation" (family thing) so she wasn't able to. I was so happy for her but couldn't help feeling a little bummed about my own short-comings. She knows my story so she felt bad for telling me, and I felt bad for her feeling bad. I also called my doctor that same day (I had been planning on doing this, it wasn't just because I found out my friend was pregnant) to see if I could have my pap appointment moved up at all since I still hadn't had a period. Of course, there were no earlier openings available and even after sort-of arguing with the scheduling person, I was stuck with my July 7th appointment. I did have a mini-breakdown that day, cursing my doctor, crying, having a pity party for myself on my drive home from work.

I think a lot of the breakdown was a result of not having fully "healed" from my miscarriage, even a year later. I think I would be much more patient and accepting that it's been this long and still no pregnancy had I never had a miscarriage. I'm very capable of talking about what happened with people who want to know, but inside, there's an open wound that never closed up. People who didn't know I had a miscarriage are literally shocked when they find out because I never did show how I felt about it on the outside. Does anyone really ever fully heal (emotionally) from a miscarriage? It's going to take a healthy pregnancy and baby for me to truly cross that bridge.

In other news: I did FINALLY get my period after 18 weeks on June 18th. This is my second period that I got on my own, without the help of progesterone after my miscarriage. It was very bittersweet. Sweet in the sense that I didn't need drugs for it to happen, bitter in the sense that it ultimately means I'm not pregnant. Also bitter in the sense that it was 18 weeks after my last one, and the one before was 12 weeks after the fact. So there's no pattern here to follow. No way to predict when my next one will be and no way to know when I'm going to ovulate next.

A lot of people have been telling me that pregnancy will happen when you quit thinking about it. Yeah, yeah, I pickup what you're tossing down BUT, how do you stop thinking about it? Seriously, it's a constant thought in my head.

We'll see what the doctor has to say when I go to visit next week. I'm making my list (of questions/concerns) and checking it twice. Hopefully we'll be able to get somewhere. There's got to be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Keepin' it in the Family

I went on a roadtrip with one of my cousins this week (to Springfield, Missouri) to visit one of our other cousins who just had a premie baby (born 10.5 weeks early). All three of us have some kind of menstrual or fertility issue and we've talked about it before because we're a very open family but never in as much depth as we did this week. One cousin doesn't ovulate at all she was recently informed at the age of 28/29, way to diagnose early doctors! The other cousin had a miscarriage shortly after I did last summer then had a fairly high risk pregnancy this time around (bleeding early on, etc) and ended up delivering at 29 weeks for some reason they can't figure out quite yet. I even have a male cousin who is sterile. And then there's me in all of my glory, you know the deal. So this is one of the many things we bond over (most of them are good though, this is one of the few bummers).

The cousin that doesn't ovulate (btw: yes it would be easier to use names but you know...) has been on a form of progesterone for a long time and is starting Clomid this month. I had researched Clomid before and often thought this might be the route Justin and I will have to try because it has been almost a year now with no success. It makes me a little angry because we were able to get pregnant before without any help so I'm not quite sure what the big, hairy deal is now!

So my pap appointment is in about 3 weeks and I'm making my list of questions and checking it twice. This time, my doctor's not getting out easily! I can't wait to see the look on the nurse's face when she asks when my last period was and I tell her February 14th, lol. I'm going to march into those stirrups with my list of concerns in hand! If no one else is going to be an advocate for my reproductive health, then I sure as hell am.