Que Sera Sera

I had a lot to blog about over the past couple of weeks but life has been keeping me busy! Between work and play, I haven't had time to breathe until today.

About two weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant. It was a big shocker for her and she wanted to tell me the second she found out but I was on "vacation" (family thing) so she wasn't able to. I was so happy for her but couldn't help feeling a little bummed about my own short-comings. She knows my story so she felt bad for telling me, and I felt bad for her feeling bad. I also called my doctor that same day (I had been planning on doing this, it wasn't just because I found out my friend was pregnant) to see if I could have my pap appointment moved up at all since I still hadn't had a period. Of course, there were no earlier openings available and even after sort-of arguing with the scheduling person, I was stuck with my July 7th appointment. I did have a mini-breakdown that day, cursing my doctor, crying, having a pity party for myself on my drive home from work.

I think a lot of the breakdown was a result of not having fully "healed" from my miscarriage, even a year later. I think I would be much more patient and accepting that it's been this long and still no pregnancy had I never had a miscarriage. I'm very capable of talking about what happened with people who want to know, but inside, there's an open wound that never closed up. People who didn't know I had a miscarriage are literally shocked when they find out because I never did show how I felt about it on the outside. Does anyone really ever fully heal (emotionally) from a miscarriage? It's going to take a healthy pregnancy and baby for me to truly cross that bridge.

In other news: I did FINALLY get my period after 18 weeks on June 18th. This is my second period that I got on my own, without the help of progesterone after my miscarriage. It was very bittersweet. Sweet in the sense that I didn't need drugs for it to happen, bitter in the sense that it ultimately means I'm not pregnant. Also bitter in the sense that it was 18 weeks after my last one, and the one before was 12 weeks after the fact. So there's no pattern here to follow. No way to predict when my next one will be and no way to know when I'm going to ovulate next.

A lot of people have been telling me that pregnancy will happen when you quit thinking about it. Yeah, yeah, I pickup what you're tossing down BUT, how do you stop thinking about it? Seriously, it's a constant thought in my head.

We'll see what the doctor has to say when I go to visit next week. I'm making my list (of questions/concerns) and checking it twice. Hopefully we'll be able to get somewhere. There's got to be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.